Moist & Dry vs. Dry & Moist

Alright, kiddoes, after too long of a break, I've got a little surprise for you all that will make your weeks of agonizingly lonely me-less life bearable again. Not only did I go through another experiment, I also tested the products, and will be reviewing them in this post. "My Goodness, an experiment AND a review, all in one post? You must be magic!" I hear you exclaiming. Yes, my pets, I am, indeed, magic. Now, assume The Position, so that I may once again enlighten you in the art of Rolling Your Own Clove Cigarettes.

So, we've had some trouble with our cigarettes, which I won't go over, because it gets old. However, if you're a new-comer, please read through Experiment 1 and its failure, as well as Experiment the 2nd and its failure. Sure, they've all failed so far, but I honed my methodology until this, Experiment Numero Tres (that means 3), and there are important things for you to learn about in those older posts, like rolling techniques we simply won't go through here.

Now for the theory. The previous DIY kreteks failed because they were too moist and drew like a pencil, or too dry, and gave me a sore throat and crack-lung. Those that were too moist used a moist tobacco and fresh, finely-ground cloves, while those that were too dry used a dry tobacco with crushed cloves, which were dryer than the finely ground cloves. The theories we will be exploring in this third experiment will be a moist tobacco with a dry clove, and also (as an added bonus), a dry tobacco with a moist clove. Theoretically, this would bypass the problems encountered before, but which one will be the winner? Stay tuned to find out!

So, the first part of this experiment will be the moist tobacco with the dry clove preparation. Since I ran out of the Bali Shag we used in the first experiment, I went out and discovered that the Tobacconist's shop was out, so I purchased a pouch of Drum tobacco, instead. It is comparably moist, while having a bit more of a robust flavour than the Bali Golden Shag, which is quite mild. Now, for the cloves, I decided to go with store-bought ground cloves. The home-ground cloves were too moist, and those crushed with mortar and pestle came out a bit chunky. So, store-bought. Now, these store-bought ground cloves are very dry, and very finely ground. Powdery, even. They don't smell as strong as the freshly-ground ones, but what the hell. Subtle can be nice, too. For this batch, I used a handful of tobacco and 2 tablespoons of the ground cloves, then forced the mixture, kicking and screaming, into the empty cigarette tubes using the Rizla rolling machine. For instructions on how to use these things, go back to Experiment the First, where I take you step by step through the process.


The second batch tests out the dry tobacco and moist cloves theory. So, I went back to the American Spirit tobacco, pictured at right, and ground up some whole cloves in my tiny blender. A regular sized-blender should work also, as would a coffee grinder or food processor type thing. Any electrical choppy/blendy thing. You know, with a motor, and sharp blades that go round and round really fast, the kind of thing you should NEVER EVER put your fingers in. Well, except you in the corner. You should totally put your hand in there, just to show everyone else what happens.* Really, I'm sure you'll be fine; it's a valuable life lesson. Keep grinding the whole cloves until they've been chopped into tiny tiny pieces, and the whole mess looks kind of like the sample I've prepared, seen at left. It's finely ground, but moist, and so kind of sticky, and the aroma is unbelievably strong and wonderful. For this second batch, I used about a handful of the tobacco, and only about a teaspoon and a half of the cloves, because they're so strong. Then, into the filter tubes with the whole mess, using the Rizla machine again.

So, I promised a review of these beautiful smokables, and you shall have it. I smoked both of these blends over a period of two weeks, and they actually both held up rather well to scrutiny. The moist tobacco/dry cloves blend was a little light on clove flavour, and took slightly more effort to draw than a regular cigarette, but it was entirely bearable. The second batch, with the dry tobacco/moist cloves mix was better than the first batch in my opinion, since the clove flavour was much more pronounced, and I like that sort of thing. The dry tobacco did dry out my throat a bit, but the moist cloves prevented it from becoming a problem. The Perfect Kretek is not here yet, but this is very promising. The key, I think, is to establish a blend of 1:3 or 1:4 moist:dry tobacco and then use the moist fresh-ground cloves for the flavouring. This is what I shall attempt to perfect over the next few days, and an update shall be posted once I've got it down pat. Until then, my little cherrybombs, keep experimenting!

Post Script - If any of you have anything to say, such as success stories, Epic Failzzes, tips for your fellows, or pleas for aide, comment comment comment. I can't help you (or ridicule you) if you don't talk to me.


*DISCLAIMER: Do not actually put your hands (or any other soft fleshy part) in a blender. I don't care how pretty the spinning blades look, it's a stupid idea and if you do such things, it's your own damned fault you end up hand-less, you damned fool.