DIY Kreteks Experiment 2: The Return

After my late-mid-afternoon cup of coffee, I decided to be kind to you, dear readers, and not to let you wallow in suspense over my ingenious solutions to the previous clove cigarette failure. The despair you must have felt truly awes me. How you must have refreshed the blog page, frantically, madly hoping against hope that I, your Fragrant Goddess of Smoking Science would once more step down from the heavens to cast my gift of illumination upon you. Rejoice, mortals, for thy wishes have been granted! I have come among you, Caffeinated and Radiant, to guide you, yet again, on an Adventure of Great Importance.

In this experiment, we shall forget (temporarily, so don't fret) about the flavoured clove cigarettes, and focus on the basic kretek. Mainly this is because the flavoring-by-added-paper technique failed so abysmally, and while I have some ideas for ways around this, you are not yet ready to venture down these uncharted avenues. Soon, my chickies, soon.

Firstly, let's go over the supplies. We are still using the Rizla Rolling Machine as we did in the first experiment, as well as the same cigarette filter tubes. If you need a refresher, I go over the machine -- and its use -- in this post. So clicky clicky. However, we are switching to Natural American Spirit Original Blend ($38.00 for a 150g canister) tobacco, and preparing the cloves a bit differently, so you'll also need a mortar and pestle (varied prices), or a comparable hand-held crushing/grinding utensil.

The cloves, as before, are regular old supermarket whole cloves. On the right and the left are pictures of the cloves as they come in the package, and what they look like close-up. Go on, guess which is which! If you get it right, you get a Hearty Thumbs Up!

The tobacco, American Spirit Original Blend, is available in the large canister (shown) and also in smaller pouch-packages. The pouch is usually priced around $10.00. I chose this for the second attempt because, compared to the Bali Golden Shag, it is much dryer, so that should solve the smokability problem caused by the Shag's moisture levels. However, the taste is still very enjoyable, though a bit mellower, and it's preservative-free, with no tar or other additives. Quite nice, I must say.

As you might have extrapolated by now, we are going to prepare the cloves by using manual labor. We are doing it this way because last time the cloves were ground up too fine, which resulted in two unfortunate side-effects; no crackling and a moist, hard-to-smoke cigarette. Hopefully, this will solve both problems. Place a small number of whole cloves into the mortar, and crush them with the pestle. Start off by thumping the pestle straight down on the cloves, and once they've been smushed a bit, roll the pestle around in a circular motion, rubbing with some force against the well of the mortar. Unless you've the upper body strength of a naked mole-rat, it should take less than a minute to grind the cloves to about the coarseness shown at left. Don't worry if some pieces are bigger than others; that's kind of the point. Now, I like using a mortar and pestle for all my coarse grinding needs, but if you don't have access to a set, you can put the cloves on a flat, non-porous surface and roll an empty wine bottle over them until you reach about the same consistency as above. This might take a bit longer, but it'll still be less time than going to the store and trying to find and buy a mortar and pestle set. Also, you'll have had wine! And who doesn't love wine?

To finish up, then, mix a small handful of the American Spirit (or any comparably dry tobacco you may prefer) with about a teaspoon of the cloves, pack it into the Rizla machine, and fill your filter tube. A suggestion -- since both the cloves and the tobacco are dryer than the Bali Shag and the super-fine cloves, you'll need more of the clove-tobacco mixture to pack the machine to the desired density. Remember to keep the density even through the length of the machine, but also be sure not to pack it too tightly, so that you'll actually be able to push the mix into the empty tubes.

Once again, congratulations! You've stuck through to the end, you incredible person, you! It is time now to roll myself a few packs' worth, and dedicate myself, in the name of Science, to cigarette enjoyment for a few days. Next post will contain my blatherings about the experience, so stay tuned, and may the Clove be with you.

First Experiment Results -- Of Doom!

For the past few days, I have faithfully smoked the products of our first attempt at clove cigarettes. I have made myself into a guinea pig for you, fellow clove-lovers. Life and Limb have been placed ceremoniously upon the line, in the pursuit of life, liberty, and the perfection of clove-iness. It is with mixed emotions that I report that while life and limb remain intact, perfection is, as yet, out of reach.

All right, so I was pretty sure the first try wasn't going to be a complete success, but I had no idea it would be such an abysmal failure. Seriously, guys. This was not just a normal, everyday Fail. It was the oft-reported, seldom-true Epic Fail. I, personally, can blame no one but you, dear readers. Absolutely. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. No cake for you.

Let's go through and try to find where we went wrong, shall we?

The regular, unflavoured kreteks we made weren't bad, so long as you've the lung-power of a mountain-climbing blue whale. They draw like a pencil. Go, right this moment, to your desk, grab a pencil. #2 works best. Put the eraser end into your mouth, light the other end, and try to smoke it. Now you understand. I think this particular problem stems from both the type of tobacco, as well as the preparation of cloves we used. The tobacco -- Bali Golden Shag -- is tasty, sure, but too moist, especially when mixed with freshly ground cloves, which also are very moist. Not to mention, the name 'kretek' comes from the crackling sound the cloves make when they burn, but these cloves were too finely ground, damping the smoke, and also, not crackling. Other than that, though, the flavour itself was very pleasing. The clove element was very noticeable, and the Bali Golden Shag is an enjoyable smoke, so long as you can actually get it into your lungs. I rolled a few with a more loosely-packed mixture, thinking that perhaps the cigarettes were just too tight, but that was a bit of a disaster as well, since the paper burned more quickly than the tobacco/cloves filling, and the cherry just kept on falling off. Unsmokable.

The cigarettes with the flavoured papers rolled over the regular kreteks were even worse, if you'll believe it. The papers, being lightly sweetened with saccharine, did recreate the wonderful sweetness of a real clove. Alas, that was the only pro making a valiant stand against an onslaught of cons. Apart from being just as difficult to smoke as the aforementioned regular cloves (for the same reasons), the extra paper, being of the slightly flame-retardant kind, kept extinguishing the cigarettes as I took hyperventilation breaks from all the pulling I had to do to get even the smallest bit of nicotine. Not to mention, though the extra burning paper did give a slight cherry taste, it mostly produced a lot of harsh smoke. Again, unsmokable.

Both of these also gave me a highly unpleasant feeling of light-headedness. No, not the kind you'd get from illegal substances, the kind you get when you're not getting enough air. Thankfully, I am a very resourceful and clever young lady, and I have a few ideas for our next attempt. Too bad you'll just have to tune in next time to find out what they are. Muahahahaha!

Ye Cannae Be A Pirate If Ye're Sittin' In Yer Seat

Suicidal levels of coffee fueling my productivity, I finally consulted Wikipedia's Kreteks entry. After mentioning the origin of the name 'kretek' and expounding a quick history, Wiki lists the ingredients in these most delicious of nicotine-providers as tobacco, cloves, a 'chef's special sauce' (hurr hurr), and sacharrine, which coats the cigarettes once they've been rolled and provides that ephemeral sweetness which lingers upon your lips after each sensuous puff. Which means we have a platform off of which to jump! And thus was I lead to acquire these Basic Supplies:

Cigarette filter tubes, 200 ct ($5.99), a Rizla cigarette making machine ($4.99), Bali Shag (Golden Shag blend) tobacco ($7.99), ground-up cloves ($0.79), and flavored rolling papers ($1.50), any and all of which can easily be found at any Tobacconist's for similar prices. Well, except the cloves, but you can get those at any supermarket. Now, since I know some of you out there like the regular, non-fruity kreteks, I'll give myself extra work and quest not only for the perfect Cherry Clove, but also for the elusive Perfect Regular Ol' Clove. I feel that's pretty fair, and if you don't agree then something is terribly wrong with you. The plan, as far as I've planned it, is to make tobacco and cloves somehow become 'in' the filtered cigarette tubes, for the basic kreteks, then to wrap the cherry-flavored papers around one, making it a cherry-flavoured smoke-able clove delight-stick! Yes, I also am fully aware that some of you have never rolled your own anything, ever, so I'll go slow. Each step will be explained as though you were Wee Bairns. Wee Smoking Bairns!

So! First things first, the cloves. I actually just got a small package of whole cloves from the local supermarket, forgot that I was chronicling everything with my camera, and ground 'em up in my tiny blender until they were as finely chopped as possible, which, as you can see because I finally remembered to take pictures, is pretty fuckin' fine. Now, one thing you have to realize, the cloves are not powdery, they're more like brown sugar -- that slightly moist, sticky consistency. The aroma, also, is so heavenly, and unbelievably strong, that I defenestrated Wiki's suggestion of 1:3 clove:tobacco, and went, instead, with a handful of tobacco and about half a teaspoon of ground cloves. The Bali Shag itself, which I picked from my days of hand-rolling, is a sweet smelling tobacco, golden brown, slightly moist. It's not overpowering, nor is it harsh, though it does have quite a bit of flavour.

Now comes the tricky part, right? Wrong! Well, actually, sort-of right. There is an element of trickiness, but trust me, and ye'll be fine. The machine is quite easy to use once you've the feel of the thing. Open, there is quite an obvious compartment in which to put the tobacco. When you close it, the top packs the tobacco into a cylindrical form, holds onto the cigarette tube, and slides over, pulling the tube over the packed tobacco. You have to push it back to the starting position in order to release the cigarette, since the top hooks into grooves that prevent unexpected opening when the tobacco is getting pushed through.

The next bit is the 'tricky part,' primarily because, for best results, you will need to slog through a period of trial and error. Packing the cigarette properly makes all the difference, too loosely packed and your cigarette will burn fast and harsh, too tight and your machine won't be able to push the tobacco into the filter tube. If you fill the compartment to about the level shown at left, you ought to be fine, but also mind that a different kind of tobacco might pack differently. At any rate, the packed end product ought to look like the photo at right, be slightly springy to the touch, and have an even density through the length of the cigarette.

Next, you have to place the filter tube onto the machine. The tube is actually very fragile (It's a hollow cylinder made of fucking paper), so it's VERY IMPORTANT to be gentle with it. If it crinkles slightly, do your best to straighten it out. If you crush it with your ham-like hand, you big klutz, you're fucked. Same deal if you rip it. Only solution at that point, so it's not a total waste, is to save the filter ends for future experiments. Don't freak out, though, I had to go through five of the fuckers before I got my system down to minimize tube-crumblage. I found that holding it only by the filter and slowly twisting it onto the white attachment (see photos at right) causes the least stress on the paper. Then you just close and slide, and you've got a clove cigarette!


At this point I made several more the same way, and separated a few to try the flavoring-by-paper idea. The flavoured papers are silly looking things. This particular kind is cherry-flavoured, so there are giant technicolor cartoon cherries on the papers themselves. Which automatically shouts "I GOT WEED" to any cop within view, but also causes an amusing half-hour to ensue, unless of course you actually do 'got weed,' in which case you're screwed, what the hell were you thinking advertising it so blatantly, you idiot. Buuuut, I digress. Papers. Right. Put the paper cherry-side-down, with the gum up and farthest from you. Align the finished kretek with the edge closest to you, and roll it up. Keep the paper rolled snugly to the cigarette, else you'll find yourself holding a tube of flavoured paper, with your cigarette on the floor at your feet. Once the rolling has been satisfactorily done, lick the gummed edge and smooth it down. Again, this is something you'll get the hang of once you do it a few times, because if you lick the gum too much you'll lick it completely off, and the paper won't stick to itself, but if you don't lick it enough it won't be moist enough to be sticky. Better not enough than too much, though, since you can always lick more, but it's hard to lick less. Unless you have a time machine. In which case, call me. I mean, if you've succeeded, congratulations! If you've failed, Shame On You.
Now, I'm off to make a couple packs' worth of these guys, and shall smoke nothing but these for a night and a day. So stay tuned, kiddies, Reviews are Forthcoming!

Unconscionable Bastards (A Short History)

Once upon a time, about a decade ago, I started smoking (gasp!). But, you say, weren't you just a wee gel then? And yes, yes I was, I reply. I decided, one day, when I was bored and skipping social studies lecture, that I needed a new activity to burn off the nervous energy all that excess coffee and Surge gave me. (Remember Surge? Pre-Red Bull super caffeinated nuclear green soda pop? Ah, those were the days.) So, I went to the local bodega-that-sells-to-underage-kids, and bought a pack of Newports. Why Newports? I dunno. I liked the package. After the first few horrible puffs, some dry-retching, and initial light-headedness, I was, once and for all, a Smoker. This, I thought, is what I want to do for the rest of my life. And so far, so good. I eventually learned to hate menthols, and went for regular and extra-strong cigarettes, experimented a bit with roll-your-owns, dabbled in lights, tasted some novelty flavours, and eventually settled happily with cherry-flavoured kreteks.

Cherry Djarums firmly in hand, my habit soon settled into delicious routine; a routine which would carry on, I thought, indefinitely. Until Obama signed into law the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act in May of 2009. Now, a warning: it's very very dense, and super long. Boiled down though, it pretty much prohibits tobacco advertising around schools, imposes larger warning labels on tobacco packages, and (this is the important bit) BANS ALL FLAVORED TOBACCO PRODUCTS -- except for menthol. Supposedly, because flavoured tobaccos attract children. Right, 'cause kids love them some cloves. Suffice it to say, Indonesia, the primary exporter of kreteks to the U.S. was fucking pissed about this. And who do you think the foremost lobbyist of this act was? Fucking Phillip Morris. A company that makes menthol and unflavoured cigarettes. Sounds fishy? Well, it is. This act, supposedly, was instated to cut down on underage smoking. Well, we've already got laws for that, how about enforcing them?

But no, says Our Wonderful and Infallible Government, let's put in some new laws to get rid of all the delicious cigarettes on the market. Oh, but not menthols. Too many people smoke those; we'd have a riot on our hands. Nevermind that menthols are the most popular amongst young smokers, and are scientifically formulated specifically to attract the younger crowds, while also being harder to quit. Yeah, let's not talk about that. Now, go to any high school or junior high, and look at the half-smoked cigarette butts littering the sidewalks. For every hundred Newport butts, you might find one clove butt, and that one was probably enjoyed by a passing college student. An increasingly disgruntled and annoyed college student. A college student who, without her delicious tasty nicotine sticks, might well snap and pummel an unsuspecting octagenarian for wheezing too loudly. And why? Because her favourite smokes are nowhere to be found. Banned. Illegalized. While the pubescent teenager is still loudly enjoying a menthol cigarette made to suit his or her sensitive palate. However, my fellow downtrodden clove-lovers, a solution presents itself to mind! Let's band together and FUCKING MAKE OUR OWN!

So stay tuned, kiddies, and I'll work my twitchy, caffeinated little ass off to find the perfect recipe for the perfect flavoured clove cigarette. My experiments, successes, and failures shall be chronicled here, for your smoking pleasure. Oh, yeah, and an added bonus? It'll almost definitely save you money. Cigarettes are fucking expensive. DIY is cheap.